BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
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Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
I have a black belt in leather
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.