My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
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Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me