I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
You Might Also Like
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.