Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
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me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights