My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
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ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
craving $300 all of a sudden
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together