Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
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Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
We found love in a hopeless place.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!