Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
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Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
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i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi