Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
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My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.