[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
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One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
cause of death:
autopsy.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok