“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
You Might Also Like
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!