I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
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Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah