[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
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I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Ain’t no way
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.