Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
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8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
only 11 steps left
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]