If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
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bout dat hot dog summer
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*