Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
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Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
saw this in a dream
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house