“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
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[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
i will not be silenced
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat