When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
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Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.