My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
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Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.