ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
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can’t wait til they legalize outside
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU