*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
You Might Also Like
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?