Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
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I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: