DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
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quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Not all heroes wear capes.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂