I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
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Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Breaking news:
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Home is where your toilet is.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important