I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
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Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff