My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
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My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family