Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
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If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Did my cat write this
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer