Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
You Might Also Like
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors