Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
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If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
not to brag, but mine was free
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Don’t make me out nice you.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”