PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
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Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted