Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
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[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!