Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
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bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
How wrong was this guy?
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT