i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
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A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.