My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
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To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day