Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
You Might Also Like
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.