5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
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If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Have a lovely day 😊
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.