So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
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[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
This makes total sense…
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
quarantine day 3
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.