[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
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what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
This is Sparta
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
My god she’s good.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
They did not think through this water fountain
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley