Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
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Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
absolutely not
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.