WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
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you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
marvel comics have peaked
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life