An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
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*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.