*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
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I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Morning my dudes.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES