*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
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We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
What an awful time to have common sense.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.