Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
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I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Kids, do not try this at home!
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING