> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
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[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
nyc:
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
inside you are two wolves
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.