AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
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The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins