Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
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Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
How times have changed.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.