science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
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Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
God has abandoned us.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist