Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
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My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
my name if I was in the mob
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house