My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
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DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it