Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
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Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Ken is short for chicken
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up